Let's Catch Up

Moving, Pregnancy, The Purpose of Suffering

Let’s catch up.

I haven’t stepped back into this space in a while and while I’d love to sound romantic and writer-y and tell you my soul has been aching to write during this absence, the truth is, it’s only been the last week or two I’ve felt like writing at all.

I didn’t intentionally set out to step back from this space – I just…did.

Due in large part to my suffocating need to feel like I have things sorted out spiritually before I put pen (fingertips) to paper (greasy keys).

When I left you, I was in a pretty dark place.

I shared a winding, convoluted thought maze about the purpose of suffering and the intentions of God that barely made sense and never resolved and then I just BOUNCED.

And I guess I didn’t know how to step back into this space until I’d sorted those things out.

Which – great news – I still have not done.

And I’m starting to think maybe I just won’t (??).

Does anyone? (This is not rhetorical!)

So instead, I’ve been spending the last few months figuring out how to be a human who doesn’t understand the purpose of suffering and the intentions of God.

How to be someone who exists in that absence, that mystery.

And it’s silly, because when I really think about it, I’m not sure I understood those things before all this came to a head last year either.

I just, I guess (?), thought I did.

Or maybe life was simply easier for a while — a long, gentle season of not-really-suffering that I drifted through, blissfully unaware of how much these questions would matter to me someday.

But when that lull finally lifted — when suffering became personal and real and smothering — it leveled me.

And suddenly, I wasn’t just confused.
I was untethered.

I didn’t know how to be a person who couldn’t make sense of it all.
I didn’t know how to live in the absence of such deeply-needed answers.

And that sent me into a spirally, messy mix of anger, confusion, grief, loneliness, and apathy all at once.

The dark, twisty place, as Meredith Grey would call it.

Lately, that spiral seems to have slowed down a bit.

Not because I’ve found any resolution, not really.

I still feel confused about a lot of things.

I still don’t have answers for the questions I really, really want answered.

I still say things to Ryan like, “well I’m in a weird place spiritually but we should pray about that.”

But it feels as if a quiet, a steadiness has started to seep up from the ground around me and in my exhaustion or wisdom or both, I’m just trying not to fight it.

Maybe it’s the warmer weather.

Maybe it’s the Easter season.

Maybe it’s the baby kicks I feel throughout the day reminding me of new, whole, miraculous life happening within me.

Maybe it’s grace.

Either way, I’m just thankful to be standing for a bit.

Still surrounded by all my questions and doubts and fears and grief – but steadier, maybe.

At least for today.

Maybe that’s enough.

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SOME OTHER THINGS

I’m Growing A Baby

At the time of writing this, I’m 26 weeks pregnant with baby girl #2.

I feel huge and immensely grateful.

Sometimes I’ll snuggle up in bed with Jo and put one hand on my belly and just think, I couldn’t possibly be happier than this. Just me and my girls. (With Ryan and Hudson nearby, of course).

That said, I’m still fighting some deeply rooted anxiety around loss, even as I round the corner into the third trimester.

We’ve been given nothing but clean reports from all our various scans and tests around baby’s health.

Because of Jo’s heart condition, we were seen by a specialist to rule out any potential heart complications for little sister, and thankfully, they haven’t seen anything concerning this time around.

Still, the fear and fragility are ever close to me. On good days, keeping me humble towards the immense miracle that is new life. On bad days, keeping me paralyzed with darkly shaded what-if’s I just can’t seem to shake.

Not much to be done but to carry on – keep bouncing on my little pregnancy ball and going on walks and melting every time Jo calls the new baby “cuppy” because she can’t pronounce baby’s actual name (any guesses??).

My app says 14 weeks to go. And that baby is the size of a bunch of kale. And that mom is the size of Jupiter (ok, it doesn’t say that).

But we’ll both take all the prayers for health and peace and safety that you want to send our way.

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We’re Moving! Or, We’re Not!

I’ll spare you the long and boring back story of how we got to where we are today, but the TLDR version is that our house is currently on the market.

Ryan owned a house in a suburb of Dallas when we started dating (we love a financially minded man).

At that time, I refused to live there because its where I went to high school and I was still in my NYC CITY GIRL ERA and couldn’t bear the thought of moving back to my hometown where there’s no good coffee and too many people I used to know.

Fast forward a few years, we bought a house in Dallas proper and rented out the other one to friends. And it’s been the best.

We love our life here – we’re close to the lake and we love our church. We can walk to a playground from our house and we have so many good coffee shops nearby that we’re over budget every month on our coffee spend.

I adore this house. We brought Jo home to this house. We have a dingy garage gym set up that I love and an office Ryan and I get to share and oversized windows all throughout the living spaces streaked with natural light and tiny toddler finger prints.

But for a lot of reasons not worth going into – boring, “practical” things like interest rates! property taxes! school zoning! day care costs for two! – we think it might be time to lean into our suburban parent life and make the move to the coffee desert house.

I have all-the-mixed-feelings about it. We both do.

And also. We have absolutely no control over the outcome because either our house will sell (before the baby comes) or it won’t.

And the market and timing and economy is weird so it really feels like it could go either way.

So either we’re moving or we’re not.

Either we’ll never drink good coffee again or we’ll go broke on a fount of it.

Either we’re making a huge life change this spring or we aren’t making any change at all and we won’t know which one it is until we know.

The unsettledness about it all has been particularly difficult for my Type A, obsessive planner, “in a weird place spiritually but we should pray about this” self.

But…idk…I guess we’ll see?

Anyway, buy our house! Thx!

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I Quit My Job

I don’t really talk about work much around here because it’s finance and that’s not the world’s most exciting topic.

But to make a long story less long, someone I worked for at my very first job in NYC reached out recently about a (remote) role at his new company and I couldn’t pass it up.

Six months pregnant is generally not the best time to change jobs, and it wasn’t exactly on my bingo card for this pregnancy.

But when something good seems to fall into your lap out of nowhere, it feels silly not to pay attention to it.

So, I did and here we are.

It’s a funny thing to be starting a new job during a season where it’s hard to be at “your best.”

Pregnancy brain is real. Third trimester exhaustion is real. Wanting to give 100% at both work and at home but not being able to do so simultaneously is very, very real.

But there’s something to be said for starting something new in a posture of humility and with an awareness of your limitations.

And as I continue to stumble through this whole working mom life thing, I’m thankful to be reminded that weakness and worthiness can exist at the same time.

And that showing up – even imperfectly – is enough.

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A Partial List of Things I’ve Loved Lately

This mascara and this lip balm.

Family naps:

Some recent good reads: Lucy by the Sea, Intermezzo, The Most Fun We Ever Had, The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August

Farmer’s Market Bread:

Some pregnancy must-haves for anyone interested: this pregnancy pillow, this dress which I now own in 3 colors, these biker shorts, slip on shoes (humbling, but worth it).

This farro fatoush receip by caro chambers that I’ll be eating for lunch every day this week.

Washing all my produce on a Sunday.

And lots and lots of days like this:

OK, That’s All For Now

Thanks for catching up with me!

I’ll be back with more updates and unanswered questions in the coming weeks. In the meantime, hit reply to this email to say hello and let’s be friends on Instagram.